i miss your smile, but i miss mine even more.

May 31, 2009.

day from hell.

i thought it was different now. i thought i could still trust you. i thought you actually had some morals. i though i was doing the right thing by taking up for you whenever people talk about you. i thought wrong...you have no real friends and i almost feel sorry for you. i guess its kinda funny how when you're a whore you end up screwing everybody including yourself.

i hope you live to regret this.

Deuteronomy 22:21

²¹ she shall be brought to the door of her father's house and there the men of her town shall stone her to death. She has done a disgraceful thing in Israel by being promiscuous while still in her father's house. You must purge the evil from among you.

-emilybristenwarren-

old enough to know better, too young to care.

i'm 16.
i def. don't feel 16.
i have waited and waited and waited for this day.
not to be able to drive all by myself. not to get a car. not get a job or find freedom.
no, it wasnt anything like that.

"Sometimes the things you complain about most are the things you care about most. Unfortunately, you don’t always know that before it’s too late."

we had our anomaly reunion last night.
it was fun:) my gah it brought back so many memories.
and i realized just how much everything has changed since March.
and just how much i have changed since then.
and how just one ONE little thing can change your life completely.
and i wonder if i had just done one thing different how different my life would be.
i'm not talking about just one specific event. i mean something small and irrelevant.
like...if i had not had 2nd period PE last year. or if i had missed that one sunday, if kristins car wouldnt have broken down in december, if i would of left my cell phone charger at home, if my mom had never read my text messages, if i would of went to Zoolight Safari, if i would of just left that myspace message unread......i wonder....wonder if i would even be the same person.

"On the topic of the time we spent together, I can’t say I never wonder if you ever think about those days ..."

but i am glad that every one of those things did happen the way they did.
i beleive that i am who i'm supposed to be.
and even though i got hurt along the way, i learned so much.
compared to who and what i would fall for 6 months ago you would thing i had grown 5 years...not half of one.

It's almost like you had it planned
It's like you smiled and shook my hand and said
"Hey, I'm about to screw you over, big time"

i think, i think to much.

"Dear friends, if God loved us that much we also should love each other."

-- 1 John 4:11 <3>

-emilybristenwarren-

I don't want this, I don't need this, but most of all, I don't deserve this.

I have done a lot of hard things.
but this makes the top 5.
after this I'm done.
no more hoping, wanting, waiting. no more anything.
you have had my heart for around a year now.
365 days...and i can finally say I'm through.
don't get me wrong. i have liked other
guys. but none of them even came close.

I'm writing this no longer in anger, no longer in bitterness, no longer in love.

I'm listening to summer songs and each one makes me think of you. Each one reminds me of summer days in your arms and summer nights with you on my mind. Truth is, you were always on my mind. Every guy who hit on me, I was wishing it were you. Truth is, you were my one.

I still remember everything you've ever told me. You're a picture in my head that I'll never be able to erase. You left me but I never left you. Maybe you thought I did, I know you think I hate you.

I can't believe you'd think that. I could never hate you.

I may not be IN love with you anymore, but I love you. I love you for reasons that don't make any sense. I love your sense of humor, how you could turn anything into a joke and anything could make you smile. I love how you have fun at home with your little sister. I love how you would bite your lip a little when you were nervous. I could go on and on...but I'll leave it at that.

But you never loved me in that way, did you? No, you loved me in the only way you could without getting too attached. You were always a little emotionally vacant. I'd be with you, and I could see pain in your eyes. I could see you hiding something from me. I never questioned it, never asked you about it, because I accepted it as a part of you. You're the worst of heartbreakers, because you never meant to break my heart. You only hoped to somehow complete your own.

I think you're amazing. I think you're going to make a girl really happy one day. God knows you made me happy, and all you had to do was talk to me. I could never describe how you made me feel. It took me months to reach this, but here it is. I hope you find everything you're looking for. I hope all your dreams come true. I hope you find someone that's perfect for you.

And as for me, I'll never stop waiting for you. I can't. I've stopped hoping for you to come, I can't do that to myself. I've got to give other guys a chance, I owe it to myself to let myself free. I can't rely on you to come through for me, but if you ever needed me, I'd be there in a heartbeat. My heart's waiting on you, always. And if life ever gets crazy, and you need somewhere to be, my door's always open. My heart's always open.

You'll probably never see this. But I hope, somehow, right now you're feeling a little better. Even if you don't know why.

i can only imagine who all is going to think this about themselves.

Advice is what we ask when we know the answer, but wish we didnt.

we have been through a lot. i mean really a lot. i dont even know what to say or where to start. even when i can take myself to the places i want to be i am still going to need you too. i guess thats because where ever i am i want you there too. there was a completely different side of me and you helped me find it. i dont know if its a good thing. but i wouldnt trade it for the world. you are one of my best friends, and i mean that. best.there are times when i could push into the middle of traffic, but i'd kill myself trying to save you. i could never imagine my life without you. not again. january was hard for me. feburary was hard. march was hard. and im not even going to lie april wasnt smooth either. i am not sure if we will ever be like before but maybe thats what's meant to be. and maybe just maybe this made us stronger. and i am sorry. really i am. but you have to understand, as stupid as it sounds, you hurt me.

you're right though we are nothing alike, and we see the same things differently. example: buttered toast. but at the same time we do the same things and i dont think we realize it. we truly can read each others mind and i find that mega sweed.and how you can tell when i have been googling....we have been friends for around a year now and we have countless memories i'll never ever forget. so basically what im trying to say is

"i hope to God it's me too."





cool picture huh?
google.
toms?

Proverbs 18:24

²⁴ A man of many companions may come to ruin,
but there is a friend who sticks closer than a brother.


-emilybristenwarren-