i miss your smile, but i miss mine even more.

May 31, 2009.

day from hell.

i thought it was different now. i thought i could still trust you. i thought you actually had some morals. i though i was doing the right thing by taking up for you whenever people talk about you. i thought wrong...you have no real friends and i almost feel sorry for you. i guess its kinda funny how when you're a whore you end up screwing everybody including yourself.

i hope you live to regret this.

Deuteronomy 22:21

²¹ she shall be brought to the door of her father's house and there the men of her town shall stone her to death. She has done a disgraceful thing in Israel by being promiscuous while still in her father's house. You must purge the evil from among you.

-emilybristenwarren-

old enough to know better, too young to care.

i'm 16.
i def. don't feel 16.
i have waited and waited and waited for this day.
not to be able to drive all by myself. not to get a car. not get a job or find freedom.
no, it wasnt anything like that.

"Sometimes the things you complain about most are the things you care about most. Unfortunately, you don’t always know that before it’s too late."

we had our anomaly reunion last night.
it was fun:) my gah it brought back so many memories.
and i realized just how much everything has changed since March.
and just how much i have changed since then.
and how just one ONE little thing can change your life completely.
and i wonder if i had just done one thing different how different my life would be.
i'm not talking about just one specific event. i mean something small and irrelevant.
like...if i had not had 2nd period PE last year. or if i had missed that one sunday, if kristins car wouldnt have broken down in december, if i would of left my cell phone charger at home, if my mom had never read my text messages, if i would of went to Zoolight Safari, if i would of just left that myspace message unread......i wonder....wonder if i would even be the same person.

"On the topic of the time we spent together, I can’t say I never wonder if you ever think about those days ..."

but i am glad that every one of those things did happen the way they did.
i beleive that i am who i'm supposed to be.
and even though i got hurt along the way, i learned so much.
compared to who and what i would fall for 6 months ago you would thing i had grown 5 years...not half of one.

It's almost like you had it planned
It's like you smiled and shook my hand and said
"Hey, I'm about to screw you over, big time"

i think, i think to much.

"Dear friends, if God loved us that much we also should love each other."

-- 1 John 4:11 <3>

-emilybristenwarren-

I don't want this, I don't need this, but most of all, I don't deserve this.

I have done a lot of hard things.
but this makes the top 5.
after this I'm done.
no more hoping, wanting, waiting. no more anything.
you have had my heart for around a year now.
365 days...and i can finally say I'm through.
don't get me wrong. i have liked other
guys. but none of them even came close.

I'm writing this no longer in anger, no longer in bitterness, no longer in love.

I'm listening to summer songs and each one makes me think of you. Each one reminds me of summer days in your arms and summer nights with you on my mind. Truth is, you were always on my mind. Every guy who hit on me, I was wishing it were you. Truth is, you were my one.

I still remember everything you've ever told me. You're a picture in my head that I'll never be able to erase. You left me but I never left you. Maybe you thought I did, I know you think I hate you.

I can't believe you'd think that. I could never hate you.

I may not be IN love with you anymore, but I love you. I love you for reasons that don't make any sense. I love your sense of humor, how you could turn anything into a joke and anything could make you smile. I love how you have fun at home with your little sister. I love how you would bite your lip a little when you were nervous. I could go on and on...but I'll leave it at that.

But you never loved me in that way, did you? No, you loved me in the only way you could without getting too attached. You were always a little emotionally vacant. I'd be with you, and I could see pain in your eyes. I could see you hiding something from me. I never questioned it, never asked you about it, because I accepted it as a part of you. You're the worst of heartbreakers, because you never meant to break my heart. You only hoped to somehow complete your own.

I think you're amazing. I think you're going to make a girl really happy one day. God knows you made me happy, and all you had to do was talk to me. I could never describe how you made me feel. It took me months to reach this, but here it is. I hope you find everything you're looking for. I hope all your dreams come true. I hope you find someone that's perfect for you.

And as for me, I'll never stop waiting for you. I can't. I've stopped hoping for you to come, I can't do that to myself. I've got to give other guys a chance, I owe it to myself to let myself free. I can't rely on you to come through for me, but if you ever needed me, I'd be there in a heartbeat. My heart's waiting on you, always. And if life ever gets crazy, and you need somewhere to be, my door's always open. My heart's always open.

You'll probably never see this. But I hope, somehow, right now you're feeling a little better. Even if you don't know why.

i can only imagine who all is going to think this about themselves.

Advice is what we ask when we know the answer, but wish we didnt.

we have been through a lot. i mean really a lot. i dont even know what to say or where to start. even when i can take myself to the places i want to be i am still going to need you too. i guess thats because where ever i am i want you there too. there was a completely different side of me and you helped me find it. i dont know if its a good thing. but i wouldnt trade it for the world. you are one of my best friends, and i mean that. best.there are times when i could push into the middle of traffic, but i'd kill myself trying to save you. i could never imagine my life without you. not again. january was hard for me. feburary was hard. march was hard. and im not even going to lie april wasnt smooth either. i am not sure if we will ever be like before but maybe thats what's meant to be. and maybe just maybe this made us stronger. and i am sorry. really i am. but you have to understand, as stupid as it sounds, you hurt me.

you're right though we are nothing alike, and we see the same things differently. example: buttered toast. but at the same time we do the same things and i dont think we realize it. we truly can read each others mind and i find that mega sweed.and how you can tell when i have been googling....we have been friends for around a year now and we have countless memories i'll never ever forget. so basically what im trying to say is

"i hope to God it's me too."





cool picture huh?
google.
toms?

Proverbs 18:24

²⁴ A man of many companions may come to ruin,
but there is a friend who sticks closer than a brother.


-emilybristenwarren-

forget your past and we can dream tomorrow.

so how about glass wasnt half as good as crank.
and how about im blogging about a book....
i still have 100 note cards to do.
and i am so sick of the battle of antietam i could shoot myself.
church tomorrow :)

"I'd like to think I never did those things
or never said that to you. But the truth
is, I did and that's a part of me. I make
mistakes, and I know who I am because
of them. I lost you because of it,
but to lose you meant to gain myself."

"I think the hardest part about this
situation is neither of us knows
what's going on. Neither of us
knows what the other is thinking.
And we're both trying to make
decisions based on the information we don't know."

I sit and laugh with friends at what we've all been through.
But I still catch my breath when someone mentions you.

this is my favorite song ever,ever,ever.

you could not possibly understand how much i love it.
and it pretty much sucks it won't play the full song on here,
so PRESS THE BUTTON THAT SAYS PLAY FULL SONG!!

Endlessly - Green River Ordinance

John 16:33 <3

Jesus said, "In this world you will have tribulation, but be of good cheer! For I have overcome the world."

-emilybristenwarren-

Not My Type.

No shirt

hot bod.
His, that is.
So why did
I break out in
a sweat?

No shoes

barefoot,

bare chest, with
a bare, baby face
to make the
angels sing.

Nothing

but ragged
cut-offs,
hugging a
tawny six pack,
and a smile

No pin-up

pretty boy
could touch,
a smile that
zapped every cell.
He was definitely

not my type.

(crank)

i didn't like this one at first.
kristin and mariah changed my mind.

intro.

So you want to know all about me.
Who

I am.

What chance meeting of brush and
canvas painted

the face

you see? What made
me despise the girl

in the mirror

enough to transform her.
turn her into a stranger,

only not.

So you want to hear
the whole story. Why

I swerved

off the high road,
hard left to nowhere,

recklessly

indifferent to those
coughing my dust,

picked up speed

no limit. no top end,
just a high velocity rush

to madness.

(crank)

"You're in a car with a beautiful boy, and he won't tell you that he loves you, but he loves you."

I don't know what I want to do with my life, I just know I want to do it. I want to see my world. I want to meet every single person breathing on this earth. I want to give everyone a hug or a handshake and I want to make someone's life a little easier. I want to be different than the people I know because that's what makes us beautiful. I want to be absolutely ridiculous before I die. I don't want regrets. I want to stand for something.

i havent done this in awhile. i mean i havent posted anything personal in awhile.

"And we can laugh all we want;
I know it's your favorite.
And I'll stare at you all I can,
because you, you're my favorite."

my life is completely different than it was a month ago. its completely different than it was a week ago. everything happens for a reason and i know that. i trust God. i just wish i knew where all of this was going. i am growing apart from so many people. who i wanted to be around a month ago, arent the people that i hang out with anymore. i hate it, i really do. but at the same time i am getting really close to new friends. i think everybody has a certain time when they wish they could stop time, the world would stop moving and people would stop changing, a time when everything was perfect and they were truly happy. it could be for a day, a month, or even a whole summer. and i guess maybe for some people that hasn't happened yet, but for me that time was oct-nov 2008. i honestly can't think of a time when i had more fun than that. i cant even explain it. having a chauffeur, halloween, rolling, ballet, the beach, i could go on for awhile. and i dont know if my life has ever been perfect but if that wasnt perfect then it was the next best thing.


also....i dont understand how people can be so two faced. how can you sit there and talk to me about God and then go and live like you don't even know who He is? why would you do that? do you not understand that i know about it? i am not judging anyone i mess up all the time but if you are going to tell me about your close walk with God then actually walk with Him. havent you heard "get right or get left"? if you want to talk to me about God then thats great but please dont be one person to me and someone completely different to someone else.

clint jones is my best friend. end of story
lol. there you go kid.

"Is anybody satisfied with who they really are?
You could be the moon and still be jealous of the stars."

"A true friend never
gets in your way unless
you're going down."

Romans 8:28

²⁸And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.

-emilybristenwarren-

I don't care what you think about me just as long as it's about me

"sometimes when you’re young, you think nothing
can hurt you. it’s like being invincible. Your whole
life is ahead of you and you have big plans, big plans,
to find your perfect match, the one that completes
you. but as you get older, you realize it’s not always
that easy. It’s not until the end of your life that you
realize how the plans you made were simply plans.
At the end, when you’re looking back instead of forward,
you want to believe that you made the most of what life
gave you. you want to believe that you’re leaving
something good behind. You want it all to have mattered."



it doesn't matter anymore. keep lying to me just don't be surprised when i stop listening to anything you have to say. i don't need you to be nice to me so you feel good about yourself. i don't want this. i don't need this.

i am so tired.

i was wrong about the listening to only christian music being hard. i love it. i love it.

i am completely in love with the movie A Walk to Remember. oh my goodness.

i can't eat ice cream with chocolate syrup anymore.

this was pointless.

"to love is like playing the piano. first, you learn to play by the rules. then, you forget the rules and play from your heart."

1 Corinthians 6:9-11

⁹Do you not know that the wicked will not inherit the kingdom of God? Do not be deceived: Neither the sexually immoral nor idolaters nor adulterers nor male prostitutes nor homosexual offenders ¹⁰nor thieves nor the greedy nor drunkards nor slanderers nor swindlers will inherit the kingdom of God

-emilybristenwarren-

That is just stud right there.

CHURCH!!!
wooo!!! ahh it's still on bold. let me fix that. ok!
i'm in a good mood x10 today. and this is blog number t-w-o.
so tonight was about "we're not gonna take it."
i am tired of the way things are. and i know i'm not the only one.
side note: i am not where i used to be with God, but i am going to get back to were i was. i am just going to be honest i need help with that. i am so happy that i have the friends i do who are willing to hold me accountable to keep my word. and i would be more than happy to help anybody who needed it also.
so anyway things need to change and i believe they will. people need Jesus. tonight was about having a revolution and how to be a revolution.( my favorite name in the world is Josiah.)

" if everything in your life looks like everything in their life, you're not a revolution, you're blending in."

i am guilty of that. i do that. i claim to be a christian but there are times when i do and say the same things as people who don't know Jesus. and thats not right. i will, i have to change that. i am a christian. its time for me to start acting like one.

for the next week i am only listening to Jesus music. that is going to be hard for me. i listen to music all the time. i hear it when i don't even realize it, but music has a big influence on my life and God is my life. what goes in is what comes out.

"God use my life to make Jesus famous."

i will mess up. i always do. i have made so many commitments and i cant even remember what most of them are. this time is different. i have seen how low rock bottom can be. i never want to go back to that. my life is so good right now. it scares me to even think about my past.

"So take your cookie cutter life and sell it to someone else, because this bake sale is closed."


and one more thing.
jamie impresses me. i can see the changes in her life. i know she is trying. she is chasing after God and i am so proud of her. i don't know her whole life story, but i know she's different. i know she has what it takes to be a leader.

1 John 2:15

¹⁵Do not love the world or anything in the world. If anyone loves the world, the love of the Father is not in him.


-emilybristenwarren-

I got a lot to say to you. yeah, I got a lot to say.

I'm at school!!
i haven't done this in awhile..
am i supposed to apologize?

everybody else does....but i don't think i am going to.

onomaoly! woah.....anomaly was just like woah.

i have a lot to say but i dont really feel like it right now.

i keep getting side tracked. like i have been working on this for 6 hours. no lie.

okay i lied.

mariah and me are looking at couple's portraits. it makes me want a boyfriend just to take pictures with.....mmmm i lied again. i figured out my dating deal this weekend! i'll explain later. i for real can't concentrate today. i played basketball with clint and dakota after we drove today and my foot hurts. to clear up rumors. yes. i do love scott ford. i mean he knitted his own wallet!! how can you not love that?

ASCAA! google it.

droptomsnotbombs.

Proverbs 27:19

19 As water reflects the face,

so one's life reflects the heart.

-emilybristenwarren-

Don't let some hell bent heart leave you bitter .

"If you're meant to be together you'll survive any obstacle or trouble that comes to you. All of the best love stories have one thing in common, you have to go against all odds to get there."




i'm about to have a nervous breakdown because i can not pick my class ring... i do believe i have mentioned before that i suck at making big decisions and i realize that this may not be a huge deal to some but to me it is! i mean there are so many things i could put on it and i can't make up my mind!!! ugh :(

other than that things are good. i am talking really good and last night church was amazing.i am reading alot.....hmm..i love to read. dork much? i have been making really good grades and school is getting better. i don't dread it anymore.

i did what i was supposed to and to be honest i am relieved with outcome even though its not what was wanted by some.....well one. but anyway whats meant to be will happen. and i don't feel bad. why should i? its not my problem. it never was.

"I know what you did, you know what you did."

ANOMALY!!!! ahhhhh! i lovelovelove church trips like nobody's business.

"your life is defined by opportunities...
even the ones you miss."

weekend: movies,anna's, grandmother's, maxima, pageant, feeding judges, all night babysitting with mariah, church,sleep,church,sleep,school!!
need me? text. dont call unless its life or death. get with it people.

1 Corinthians 10:13
No temptation has overtaken you that is not common to man. God is faithful, and he will not let you be tempted beyond your ability, but with the temptation he will also provide the way of escape, that you may be able to endure it.

-emilybristenwarren-

"i hope you never lose your sense of wonder..."

I wanted to tell you all my secrets, but you became one of them.

"What we have here is a dreamer,
someone completely out of touch with reality.
When she jumped, she probably thought she would fly."

my computer is being gay and not letting me center my font or change the size and all that jazz. haha drivers ed. "and all that jazz" i got made fun for saying that. oh well i like it and i'm not going to stop.not a whole lot happened today. in 6th me and clint and dakota had the most random conversation. it was very...uhm..informative..i guess?? tomorrow we are being video taped in spanish class and i have to go to the dentist :). i love having my teeth cleaned. it feels wonderful.

1. anatomy homework
2. writing assessment
3. tessellation project
4. usa test prep
5. spanish test

i better get on that..

i can't stand listening to her anymore. really its driving me insane and it bothers me. it wasn't supposed to. i wasn't supposed to even care. but i do and everything she tells me i can't let it go. it stays in my head and i'm constantly reminded of it. if you think you know what this is about trust me..you don't. i know who everybody is automatically going to think of but you're wrong. it has nothing to do with anything about that.

andd sorry if none of that made any sense. i just had to get that out there.


"You said I always sang too loud to sing you a love song.
Well, I save my soft voice for the things I really mean.
You always said I had a hard time saying what's on my mind.
Well, here it goes: I hate you for what you've done to me."


Romans 2:16
And this is the message I proclaim—that the day is coming when God, through Christ Jesus, will judge everyone’s secret life.

-emilybristenwarren-

And I know you're not sorry, but I've forgiven you anyway.

"I’m not going to change for him. I have my morals, I do what I want.
If he doesn’t like me for who I am, then that’s fine.
I love who I am, so someone else will too. His new girlfriend will most likely give him what he wants,
and what he wanted all along. Do they love each other? No.
And I believe I am better than her because I was able to see beneath his
lies and his fake charm, and I knew what he really wanted all along.
I feel sorry for her. "


so..today was uh..interesting?? I am still working on the whole “not dating” thing. I haven't decided
yet. Anyway Pierre picked out my wedding ring



“ it's the same color blue of your eyes”


I drove a massive amount today. I really am beginning to love driving. I turn 16 in exactly 3 months. I cannot wait! Ah! I have a really good feeling about this summer. I will finally be able to drive and not have to depend on anyone else. The anticipation is killing me. And I want to go faster I mean really my mom/dad telling me to slow down is getting old.


:D

“i could pleasure myself with great rap.” - chase johnson.




Jeremiah 29:11
11 For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.


-emilybristenwarren-

Pain is Knowing You Are Right for Each Other...Just Not Right Now.

"Nobody cares about the truth. All they care about is what they believe."

well..this week has been rather amazing. you know how you have those days where everything....i mean everything is funny? my whole week was like that. especially wednesday. when dakota threw his ice on the car i laughed so hard i couldn't stand up. "porkchop porkchop greasy greasy arab girls are easy easy"-our student section.

"We are all guilty of saving old messages from someone who became really special in our lives. Going to familiar places given us that small twinge in our hearts and smile in our faces. It's simply bittersweet 'cause every time that person crosses our minds, we remember the instances when we were complete."

"I hope you know what you lost.
I hope you know what you had to
begin with. I hope you know what
mistake you made leaving; If you don't
then I hope you realize it. Most of all;
I hope you regret every single bit of it."

but for some reason today i was really discontent i guess you could say. it really wasn't a bad day. i just have been in a weird mood. and i cant concentrate on anything. if i said i didn't know why i would be lying. i know exactly why. but i still cannot accept my truth. i refuse to do it. i am the most confusing person ever. and you will see i will hardly ever write when i'm happy. i can't. maybe its more that i'm complicated. i can never ever ever make up my mind. i suck at making decisions. mainly big ones. and i am constantly forced to. we chose our class rings today. it makes me happy to know that i am that much closer to getting out of here. i want high school to be over. i dont want to be any older though. well that was contradicting. i don't want to wish my life away. its short and i want to enjoy every moment. i am just so over the stupidness of high school. today i realized: mrs. howard always makes me feel better. i am terrified of tanning beds. i love driving. i go way to fast though. i also realized today that my ideas get me into trouble alot. i should probably work on that, and the fact that i can be talked into anything. and that people seem to always end up doing exactly what they promised they would never do to you.

"Everyone knows that seasons change;
it's unavoidably obvious But for some
reason, everyone tries to avoid the
fact that people do too."

uhm..in church we are talking about relationships.....which is something that i have always had problems with. i could tell and absoulte stranger that i loved them, but when it comes to the people who mean the most to me i never show it. i used to think i have commitment problems but thats not it. i have problems allowing things to be perfect. woah....i know right? why in the world would i not want things to go perfect?? well i dont have that answer. but if everything is going just fine, i mess it up on purpose. i mean don't get me wrong. i want to be in that happy relationship...you know...the special love. like maybe if it snowed on your birthday, and your birthday was in july type thing. but i will not allow myself that happiness. maybe i should just not date anymore. i'll think about that and have to get back to you. this is entirely to long. i am stopping. sorry for my grammar.

"Nobody wants to hear this; but sometimes the person you want most is the person your better off without"

"And everyone knows what doesn't kill you only makes you stronger
so while your trying to pull her down - your only making her last longer."

Romans 8:38-39

³⁸For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, ³⁹neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.

-emilybristenwarren-

I have lied to myself enough to know when someone else is doing it.

For the past hour I've been sitting here. Typing, backspacing, writing, erasing, editing, revising. And I just want you to know; pouring your heart out isn't easy.

1 John 4:10

¹⁰This is love: not that we loved God, but that he loved us and sent his Son as an atoning sacrifice for our sins.



-emilybristenwarren-

Always forgive your enemies, Nothing annoys them more.

"cinderella is sick of charming, sleeping beauty would rather nap,
ariels all washed up, & belles not coming back.
nothing last forever silly girl you must see.
stop searching for something that will never be."

so...today in small groups we talked about where and how our life is going. which brought something to my attention that i have been doing my best to avoid..I DON'T KNOW! i always heard about people who had to "find themselves" and i would make fun of them i mean come on you're right there, how can you find something that never actually left? but i really dont know anymore. i mean i may not know who i am yet but i know who i'm not. here lately i am starting to see everything different. mainly people. i have started seeing them for who they really are and not just who i wanted them to be. which caused me to make decisions that i really did not want to make. and i have to tell certain people things which is going to be extremly hard for me to do. i guess basically at this point in time i do not know where my life is headed, but i am ready for it.

we also talked about our reputations and how easy it is to ruin them. and honestly i have just gotten lucky that mine hasn't been ruined. i have made the same the mistakes over and over again, but that stops today. i am not going to let something small completely change the way people think about me. i also am not going to let who i hang out with determine my reputation either. so if changing my friends and everything i am used to is what it takes then i am willing to do it. i guess really its not completely about my reputation.its more of i want to feel like i am a good person. i mean i want my reputation to be good, but if you are going to call me a bad person or whatever for trying to do what i feel is right then i am ok with that. i am more concerned with my character than my reputation..because...my character is who i really am...my reputation is just what people think i am..

truth or dare?
truth. "tell me how you really feel."
dare."prove it."

anyway i still have this cold thing going on and it sucks.( life lesson- never drink after jamie mullins she will give you mono.) yesterday was fun! i love my friends and my family:) so my mom is annoying the mess out of me to come watch some movie about this 17 yr old who gets kidnapped in daylight or something. i dont know. but i am going to take my usa test prep thing because i have a busy day tomorrow and i know i will forget. i love you :)

je t'aime, te amo, te quiero, ik hou van jou, i love you. it doesn't matter how you say it. it matters how much you mean it.

Acts 20:24

²⁴ However, I consider my life worth nothing to me; my only aim is to finish the race and complete the task the Lord Jesus has given me—the task of testifying to the good news of God's grace.

-emilybristenwarren-

Dark. Tall. Nearly twice your size. An absolute gentleman.

Tristan: I live in torture, thinking of these moments. With every look he gives you, I get sicker and sicker. There is a burning in me I feel on fire, and there's guilt I can't comidify. Does it make you happy to know that?

Isolde: The Roman Bridge, I can get to it without being seen, and I'd go there any time to be with you.

Isolde:You risked your life to give me to another man.

Tristan: Come with me.
Isolde: I can't.
Tristan: Why not?
Isolde: We both know this cannot be, Tristan. We knew it from the start. That doesn't mean it wasn't true, it is.

Isolde: Yesterday at the market, I saw a couple holding hands... and I realized we'll never do that. Never anything like it. No picnics or unguarded smiles. No rings. Just... stolen moments that leave too quickly.

Tristan:I don't know if life is greater than death, but love was greater than either.

Isolde: How many have you loved before me?
Tristan: None.
Isolde: And after me?
Tristan: None

of course it's you, it's been you all along..

"It's time to call it quits. On you, on us, on this. I'm hurt, I don't need this. I don't need you."

hmmm....I know I swore I would not make one of these, but I obviously lied. i am mainly doing this for myself and i am not really concerned with whether or not you read it. i have felt horrible all day! and i am extremely tired for no reason.ughh. anyway my life is going good for the first time in a while now. i finally realized that i needed to make some changes in my walk with God and its working perfectly:) nothing really all that exciting happened today...but tomorrow should be good if i feel better. and then sunday!! church! ahh! i love it there. most of my best memories are with my youth group. especially m-fuge and the song never let go. i miss alot of things about this time last year, but its gone and it isnt coming back. ohhhh! my mom and i meet with my agent friday feb. 20! i am so excited i have been wanting this for a long time now. i hope i like her but more importantly i hope she likes me...i am pretty nervous too. well my head hurts like crazy so i am going to watch Tristan & Isolde. hopeless romantic?? ;)

2 Corinthians 6:14

¹⁴Do not be yoked together with unbelievers. For what do righteousness and wickedness have in common? Or what fellowship can light have with darkness?

-emilybristenwarren-